flying,, is for this..

not an actually new thing, but again fly this night.


i thought i am happy, but closing my eyes in this mid of night, having blabbering of my friends around me as some backsound..... having this adam ant song banging in my head, repeating it self over....and over again.... i know im lying. but im stuck. how could u forgive someone who's running from its 'happiness'??


but i lied....
(now that i finally said that, dear mr.adam ant, would ya please shut the fukkup??)




im happy,...yeah still i know im lying.



but this condition is perfect and u can say im happy...




based on several comparison....





yeah......




oh my shit what am i talking about? this wine gets me to my worst. as it always. as if its my own personal lucifer, done its only well done job ----force me to get face to face with the truth i knew i desire. well. in fact,hesitate to desire.



but hell why i care anyway. this is just going to end so soon...as soon as it is also begin....



adam ant said that, thus he repeat it over and over again in my head....
i dont befriended with adam ant. why hell i care. why hell his song.....



anyway.


the stars keep hitting my head as im writing this page, and its getting even more clear as i close my eyes,.... and it gets even as clear as i slowly open my eyes,
watching the cigarette smokes flying tenderly through the cynical light of my tiny pc to the dark ceiling of my room, where my friends still chattering around, laughing and crying its heart out, uncontrollably.

i watch the smokes fly and teared and shattered as my mind is teared and shattered.
i may say my heart is, but i hate to say heart. as if i had anything beside my mind. because heart is fed by truth, and mine is barely even suffocate anymore,,as if its still alive.

haha


urgh. :D well yeah honey whatever.



(as my friend, 'crimethought' said one day that i am running from my happiness as i scared to be happy since im scared to be suffered of any quake of my contentness....)




are we live to be contently happy??




im happy?
and i wanna die.

im truly happy that my physical condition's lately allow me to let me loose.....of any 'too much expectations of living',,..now that i could be dying anytime.

it relief me to realize (or to think?) that whatever happen, my life's belong to earth and thus so my death.


and nothing's going to change in the universe. :)
simply a mere soul coming home to where it is belong.....
to the world.... to the air.... to the soul of anything, if its going to reincarnate anyway,....
to the warmth of the hell of freedom, if the conventional religiousts was right anyway...

to simply shattered and gone.....



hell, what a freedom...


bliss of freedom at last after doomed by the curse of freedom in the mortal earth...
as sartre might be right when he said we might have been cursed by freedom





and my dear lu,, sweet honest-god lucie, lucifer... just slapped me again while i sip some next big gulp of this honey wine.....


He said that 'Now u are running again from facing ur truth with blabbering ur melancholy shit of death'.
And I answer (i actually said this pretty loud) 'I Know'.



then he let me flying again.....
..just to break fall to the earth, when the person i supposedly really adore is finally sleeping (as all my friends are,now), and seeking my hand to hold on to.



to pierce me with the fact that i am now cursed with this 'content happiness' where im tearing apart, losing me.



and to slapped by the fact that
well yeah


flying is for this, anyway, :) .....................................................................

to slapped meaninglessly by the truth That I Am neverendlessly wanting those Uncontently Happiness,...

And to forget ALL about this when the sun rise on its highest pitch when i may awake,


a fly for simply a slap. a mere a slap of truth, and continue with my half hypocrite living.



A slap,.
which will ended now, as i began to feel that this is silly and bullshit (as i know u might think while ur wasting r time here, honey.)..............and trying to close my eyes....................





To be

Slapped.
And shut the fukkd up.